Things are getting more and more eccentric at Casa de la Swain. Changing styles in my textile work, falling in love again with painting and photography...and then there is the ever illusive quest for continuing creativity through working with Eric Maisel. Still on the road teaching, posting now at the Ragged Cloth Cafe and taking the pledge to keep handmaiden up to date.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

The Big Life Plan

I promised myself that I would get to the studio first thing this morning to start on the hand made Christmas presents....even got out all the stuff last night to get a head start. Am I in the studio,obviously not? Instead I woke up with The Big Life Plan whirling around in my head. Not a good way to get to the studio.

So with pondering illusions of making lists and what I want to be when I grow up, I came to a great insight. Who cares? I am 58 years old, can get senior citizen discounts in some places,not old enough in others. I am not going to live as long as I have already been alive....weird syntax,no? However, there are still a few good/acceptable years left in the old gal. But is there still a need for the big life plan?

Well, dear readers, I think I am way past that point. I think it is time to really take every day as it comes. This has long been my philosophy but I easily succumb to the All-American attitude of "We are humans doing, not humans being." I could only hold onto the take it as it comes for a few days or months at a time before I would start beating myself for not doing enough or for being off of the schedule I had set for myself.

This all came about late in life to me....actually,it all started when my first quilts sold and when my books were published. Prior to that time, I was a wandering gypsy.....moving every two years from theatre to theatre.....leaving divorced husbands in my wake and bringing up my sons in a trunk to be free spirits. Then things got serious...bells started tolling for me. Got married finally to the right guy, that was a good thing, had my last baby....and great decision on my part....and started making quilts.

Being the highly educated, over acheiving, good girl that I was I kept up all the mom/wife obligations and did a pretty good job even if I say so myself....well, at least, no one is a serial killer that we know of, yet. Then the whole quilt world opened its doors which required a plan.

How do you do art, travel, teach and maintain a household? You do everything half way....sure others see you as having it all together but I gotta tell you it is a juggling act of major proportions.But do I have to do that now? What is there left to juggle since my time is all my own?

Having digested this all morning, I am clear as a bell, sharp as a knife or dumb as a post.....take your pick. The answer to The Big Life Plan is there is no plan....been there, done that multiple myself so many times I could have a dozen a.k.a.s. No more of that for me. I have decided who I am right now is just fine for the rest of my life. Certainly, there are still things I would like to do being a curious Scorpio but I don't need a plan to do so. I will just do them as I come to them.

So with the holiday season approaching, I am returning to the true meaning of being together....seeing my family, hugging them at every turn and looking forward to what the new year will bring my way....not planning what I want the new year to bring. Expectations only bring disappointments; no expectations bring constant surprises....some good, some more difficult but hey,you gotta learn to love the rope.

Now that I have trash canned the big life plan, my head is clear and I am content with a small, daily excitement of the No Life Plan.


Jeannie said...

What I have found is that whenever I have a life plan, the universe says "Nah, that's not we have in store". So, I have been forced (not easy for a first born who loves to see the big picture)to learn to relax and be. Some days I am better at this than others, but hey, it is a journey that I am learning to enjoy. Cheers.

Deb said...

What a delight to see one's way clear. I've always thought "Who needs a map? The earth is round and you won't fall off."

Karoda said...

ahhh, as i once read, "you are your bestest thing" liberating!