Why....the Eternal Question

This is aboslutely stream of consciousness blathering from "cogitating" last night....go no further if you aren't ready for thoughts from the simple minded. Here goes nothing...first the quilt still isn't working so going to scrub all but one section that is really eye candy and start over. Nothing new about this process; happens all the time. However, as this decision was being made, the question of what this complusion is all about kept creeping into my thoughts. Why am I doing this (quiltmaking, teaching, filmimg dvd's, spending weeks on the road, learning about marketing and all other related business)? I could be living what I will refer to as a "normal" life....no offense meant to anyone. My normal life would include keeping my house in an acceptable state, having friends to visit (like shopping with and having lunch), spend more time with my every growing family, especially the grand kidlets......you get the idea.

But no, that is not my life...haven't seen my best friend in months...we do talk almost everyday....have seen the kids some but that was work related and the house is soon to be closed by the board of health. What took me down this path of totally self-absorbed, can do nothing but think about work, spend more time in the studio that in any other room in the house and there is not an end in sight on the traveling and teaching?

Light bulb moment: my life has always been centered around some form of artistic expression....guess it was just my turn on the wheel. Some of you know that I did regional theatre from the time I was 18; retiring at 30. Let's face it this is team creativity.....you just can't put on a play without masses of people behind the footlights, not to mention the ones on the stage ....and then there is raising money and mad artistic directors. Being an independent soul, finally got tired of having to get approval from large groups just to get the vision on stage. Retired from theatre....began doing ultra-complicated calligraphic art but with small children this is dangerous...ready to add the last touches, small child grabs arm...whole piece ruined.

Along came quiltmaking, thanks to my mil and I was hooked....but never intended it to grow into the complex operation it has become. The good news is each new quilt brings the excitement of my first; the bad news is longing for a sabbatical to just do work. Imagine the pleasure of waking up every morning with no business to take care of....having a bite to sustain several hours in the studio and repeating the same routine for days on end.

So why? If you have made it this far, brave reader be prepared. Working is a compulsion, read obsessive complusive, a calling, a deep, ever present desire.....at least, it keeps me off the streets, safe from other people or better said keeping other people safe from me. The work is something that I can't not do (double negative there). There is a lost soul feeing that comes over me now when no work is spewing out.
It isn't an insecurity about whether success will occur....it is actually an itchy, anxious (probably need to get meds) feeling that causes me to unbearable to live with. Success in the public world is a fickle mistress...fueled by monetary business and market techingques. Does this have anything to do with the work? Depends on your presonal experience, personally, this never crossed my mind....just kinda got dumped in my lap but remember I embraced it so the ole ego won that battle.

Why? What do I think I am accomplishing and does that even matter? So here is the final chapter in the why....this is just how I am hardwired. The creative life was just this turn on the wheel. To question it is to dilute the energy....to stop is to lose my life force. The world in which we live is far too much illusion....we are missing the search for the internal by constantly being bombarded by the external. In part why is a refuge as well as a statement of the times.

While seeing the value of a different life, this is my life at the moment. Changes occur moment to moment so who knows how long this ride will last. So no more why, just more doing what is natural. The creative life is one of constant ups and downs (probably a chart for this somewhere). The choice was mine to devote this life to creativity. The long and winding road still in sight.....destination unknown....but the journey is the learning, the joy and the pulse of my being.

Warned you this was remnants of being a philosophy major.....not particularly logical but absolutely my current truth. In closing, you gotta do what you gotta do....give yourself plenty of forgiveness....focus on the thing that you do best....and maybe work in some outside interests when possible....they do feed the flame for many of us....self-absorbed fool me prefers a more quiet life, recluse in the studio...but we each have to find our own why.

Shutting up now.....your win a gold star if you made it through all this drivel.